Choices

I did a lot of church musicals growing up. I can remember asking the choir director if I could be in the children's musical when I was only in the 1st grade (it being the 3-6 grade choir that did the musical). I had "borrowed" the tape from my sister (who was in the musical) and listened to the music over and over again until I learned it for myself, and on the night they staged it, I asked, and got to be a part.

Even after we left that church, I was involved in musicals at other churches. It seems every church does at least one. In the fifth grade, I remember being at lunch with the choir director and my family, and he asked me if I would be one of the leads in the upcoming children's musical, Shortstops, a baseball musical. I was elated, and had so much fun.

(By the way, this post isn't about children's musicals.)

There was this one song in Shortstops called Choices. Interestingly enough, of all the musicals I've been in, with all the songs, this song has stuck in my head over the years.

"Choices are waiting just around the corner,
choices that have to be made.
Some are polite, some are out of order,
none of them want to wait.
So what do I do at times like these,
what is my action plan?
Shut out the world, say an honest prayer,
open the Book and take a look at what's there.
Choices, voices, little everyday things that everyday brings.
I will listen to the Spirit, and then make the choice
from the voice that is Jesus in me."

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately. I made the choice in college to study Christian Education, and now have a job in that field. But I am drawn to theatre, desiring to be involved in it in any way I can. And I find myself asking, what is it that I'm supposed to be doing? What did God create me to do? What is God calling me to do?

The thought crossed my mind the other day that God doesn't care. No, God cares about me, but God doesn't care whether I choose CE or Theatre. God just wants me to be happy, to be who I am, whatever my field.

And while that may be a comforting thought, it's actually quite terrifying. Because it means that the choice hasn't been made for me. I'm not supposed to be doing Christian Education, I'm not supposed to be doing Theatre. I'm not supposed to be doing either, because I have the choice. And I have to choose, because I've been trying to do both, and I feel pulled apart at the seams. I've never really had to choose in my life. I mean, yeah, I had to choose a college, and I chose a mate, but in those and other choices I've made, I claimed more than I had before. I gained something wonderful, without really giving up anything. This time, it feels like I finally have to give up something, something that I do want to do, whichever it may be. Something that flows in and out of me like breathing.

I could be wrong. Maybe I can keep on doing both, and I'm going to for as long as I can. But something inside feels like my choice is waiting, just around the corner.

Right Now

Right now, I'm sitting at my desk at home, working and listening to Pandora.

Right now, my dog is at my feet, sleeping peacefully.

Right now, my desk is cluttered and it'd driving me crazy.

Right now, my scrapbooking and art supplies are still packed in boxes in my closet.

Right now, my bed is not made.

Right now, I'm missing lots of people that I haven't seen in too long.

Right now, I'm struggling with things like calling and friendship and purpose and truth.

Right now, I'm trying to not beat myself up for the things I have/have not done, and trying to not worry about the things I have yet to do.

Right now, I am not at peace. However, I am striving to be content. I am striving to just be.